The Elephant On The Inside

We have all heard the phrase “Elephant in the room”, well this thought came to me as I was cleaning the kitchen after making my breakfast this morning, there is a huge elephant inside of me and it really needs to be addressed.

I used to be an advocate for self care for years since I was young, things changed throughout time as I allowed others to tell me that self care is being conceited, narcissistic and self centered. I lost friends over this when I came from the hospital after my Septic Shock bout, I was so focused on getting myself better that I wasn’t always there for them like they were used to. I was told as a child by my mother and her mother that to take care of yourself was being self centered and conceited, we didn’t use narcissistic or hear it much when I was a kid. Narcissism became a big thing when President Trump became president then it rolled off of everyone’s tongues and fingers. I have been giving this so much thought this past year as we haven’t been able to go anywhere or do much due to Covid. I will admit that I have gained a tremendous amount of weight and I am not happy about it. I am feeling very vulnerable sharing this right now. I know I need to lose the weight, I am stuck in a depression over my weight, I hate seeing myself like this. Where do I start? What can I do to lose this weight? I know people will say exercise and diet change, but what exercise, what lifestyle change can be done?

The elephant inside of me is comprised of different things, low self esteem, lack of self confidence, lack of self care, weight gain, depression, stress, worrisome thoughts, fear, lack of self trust and a few other things that I cannot seem to name or label.

I used to be a confident woman the one who didn’t give a fuck what others said, wrote or thought of her, where I did that lose attitude? This is one of the many thoughts that race through my head, I can hear that woman screaming to be let out and honestly I want to be that person again. I want to feel alive, vivacious and full of energy. I want to not give a rat’s ass what others think, say or write about me it’s easier said than done as I have put my trust in others and they betrayed me. When you have been betrayed by people you really trusted it’s a hard thing to get back to trusting anyone including yourself. If you don’t understand that it’s okay, I will explain. When you think that you can trust others, you are also trusting your own intuition that these people are safe to allow into your inner circle, when they betray the trust and show their true colors, it makes you start to do more than second guess yourself, you doubt every decision you made. You wonder who can you honestly trust especially if you can’t trust your own inner being. It’s a horrible feeling to live with.

There you have the elephant deep inside of me that is creating havoc internally on me. How do I get back to that fun loving, amazing, crazy, insane, vivacious, outspoken, unapologetic woman that I used to be? How do trust myself enough to let loose and be who I am deep inside, to be the person that it trapped in a dark prison inside of me screaming to get out?

How do I get that beautiful woman back?

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