I haven’t been writing at all, not here or in my journal that I have sitting waiting on my bookshelf. It’s not that I don’t have the tools to write with, it’s that I am not able to process all the thoughts that are jumbled up right now inside of my head. I haven’t posted on Facebook or anywhere really of what I am thinking, why is this? Part is fear of judgment that has been passed to me by others in the past, it’s a trauma response in all honesty. I go silent, play games like Matchington Mansion, Candy Crush or Best Fiends to keep from dealing with what I am thinking about. I don’t want to share myself with others due to people in the past who would use what I shared in confidence with them against me. I found my words displayed all over social media and on blogs used against me, they used my trust against me, I found myself shutting myself off from the world, from those who really did care about me. I found myself getting into petty arguments, deleting and blocking people out of my hurt, out of my anger at myself. I no longer trust myself let alone others now. Even now as I write this, my heart is racing, my hands are shaking….this is the shit I am talking about, the fight or flight response I grew accustomed to.
Last night I opened up on Facebook just by saying that these thoughts are fucking killing me and right away Ron’s aunt informs me that profanity is one of my problems…are you fucking kidding me??? Seriously?? This is why I have been silent, why I have gone silent for so long…people just cannot allow me to be myself…I am expected to be what others want me to be. I am expected to be someone that I am not and if I so much as express myself in any way that I need to, there is always someone right there waiting to shove me back into the pit of hell or into their shitty ass box that they want to keep me.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!
WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CONTROL ME??
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FUCKED UP ISSUES!!
If you don’t like cursing or profanity, don’t use it and don’t tell others how to speak! You don’t like sugar, processed foods, sodas or carbs…don’t eat them, don’t tell others how to eat! You don’t like alcohol then don’t drink it, don’t tell others not to. The list goes on and on of all the things that I see people doing and saying to control others. If you don’t like it fine, it is not your place to tell others how to live. Life your life and leave everyone else alone, let them be happy.
My many racing thoughts have taken over, I don’t sleep well, I hardly eat. My back is killing me as all my muscles are tense. My face hurts due to tension in it, my jaw is tightened up, Ron says I am grinding my teeth. I have severe headaches. I am beyond the rage and anger stage now, I want to go somewhere and just scream until there is no breathe left to scream with. I want to punch something or throw things. I want to sit and bawl my eyes out until there are no more tears to cry. It’s overwhelming me, wearing on me, I am exhausted, drained, depleted and feel so defeated, so lost right now.
I need to talk it out, I need a friend, not a therapist to talk to. I need to process all the thoughts without being afraid to share them with anyone, without worrying about the betrayal I had in the past. I walk on eggshells so as to not offend anyone or bother anyone, so I keep to myself most days. I get up and go to work, I do do my job, try not to get too close to anyone *trust issues* and then I leave my office, take a hot bath then off to try to sleep. My dreams are always of houses, dead people, ghosts, horror, water, driving off cliffs, snakes and bugs so why bother sleeping.
My thoughts have taken over my life.