Glowing From The Inside Out

I heard Ron say something this weekend and it made me stand up straight and be proud…..he said “We are techies, we love all Apple products, we love tech stuff, we love gaming, we love social media.” It’s so true and well I have been this way since I was about 12 years old, my mother bought us a Commodore 64, the minute she brought that thing home I was in heaven. I took the book that came with it and learned coding, I had so much fun. I was a little geeky thing back in the 80s even though I never really told anyone. I was a bookworm, happier to be in a library or sitting outside with a book in my hand, instead of doing other “girly” things. I also loved playing football with the boys in the neighborhood. I climbed trees, rode a 3-wheeler in mud bogs that I made in the backyard. I was a such a geeky tomboy, until I turned about 15 then my hormones changed and boys were an interest to me. I started to try to be less tomboyish and be more girly, it turned into me looking like a mini Joan Jett or so I have been told. I was more like a wall flower than one of the popular girls, I was a true nerdy, geeky, tomboy trying to be a girl, it was never an easy thing for me to do. I had my nose in the books at school, was kind of a teacher’s pet, stayed out of trouble in school and held a part time job after school. It was after high school that I really got into makeup, hair, clothes, heels, purses and all the girly things, I still had my tomboy geek side too, it seemed to blend well after high school as I was no longer trying to fit into one group or another.

As I grew into an adult, my way of being was always in question by my maternal grandmother, either I was behaving like a whore by dressing like a girl or she felt I was a lesbian because I would dress down and be the tomboy. No matter how I dressed or acted it was never what she wanted me to be, she played a huge part of identity crisis throughout most of my life and her daughter, my mother was no better. I met my first husband’s mother who also had control issues and of course, she had to change me to fit into her mold. The person I was changed so much that I lost sight of all the things that made me who I was deep inside, I pushed my true self deep inside hoping one day to let her back out. I lived like that from ages 18 – 32, I allowed myself to come out then was forced to put her back into the dark prison of torment again from ages 39 – 50. This is the year that has made it possible for me to say “Fuck it!! I need to be me!! Fuck anyone who doesn’t like it!”

I have embraced the craziness that I have had inside of me waiting to come out. Everything that I have been deep down inside is coming out of me. It’s been coming out slowly all year long as I purge all the crap that I have carried with me. Now I can freely share myself with everyone, I know some people won’t like it, that is their problem not mine, others will embrace me to encourage and support me. For this reason, I am huge on social media right now, there are so many people out there in the world who are struggling or have struggled like I have to find themselves or have put themselves into a prison deep inside waiting to come out.

You can find me on Facebook (loads of drama, politics, negativity, race wars and more), Pinterest (NO drama at all), Twitter (more drama than any other social media), MySpace (well hardly use that one), Instagram (no drama there either) and now there is Tik-Tok. I am addicted to Tik-Tok, and I don’t give a rat’s ass what others say about it either, this is my thing and if others don’t like it, that is their choice, no one has a right to tell me how to enjoy my free time. I allowed that for many years and I stopped having fun on social media. I do love Tik-Tok, yes I have seen some drama, politics, religious fighting, race wars and so on, however I am not on there for that. I am there for the positive messages that others do share. I enjoy the body positive messages as I am a curvy woman. I really really love the cosplayers, they do not know how much they inspire others to enjoy life. We need more stuff like this to enjoy instead of the negativity.

With this new year of uncertainty coming quickly upon us, what is it that I can take away from 2020 that is positive in spite of the way things have been? I want to say that the biggest thing is that this is the year that I truly found myself deep inside and I have allowed myself to be free from the inner prison that I lived in for too many years. I have processed old thinking, to make way for fresh thinking. I have purged so much anger, bitterness, and rage. I have embraced my inner child, young adult and adult to love myself for who I am truly am. I am enjoying my life and embracing all the goodness from it.

What did I find?

  1. I am a techie, I work for one of the largest technological companies in the world. I love all things tech.
  2. I love reading books, I am starting my collection back up, I have paperback books, hard cover books and lots of ebooks, if it’s a book that I am interested in, then I am going to read it.
  3. I love makeup, I joined Boxycharm just to get the more pricier brands, I tried drug store or department store brands, it bothers my skin, so I go with the more pricier brands.
  4. I love fashion. YES, I work from home, I don’t dress nice for others, I do it for myself.
  5. I love social media. It’s a way to connect with others and to have fun.
  6. I love to cook and bake, I have always loved being a homemaker and I get to do it while working from home.
  7. I love Cosplay, using the imagination and having fun dressing up, living out your fantasies. It’s brought out the “naughty” sexy woman inside of me.
  8. I am completely into home decor, it’s about having a nice home for me that makes life worth living.
  9. I am completely in love with Ronnie, I love being his wife.
  10. I love having fur babies, they make my life happier.
  11. I love music!!! Dancing is my favorite form of exercise
  12. I don’t mind being overweight or curvy, we cannot all be a size 0.
  13. I love to eat food, even the “unhealthy” stuff.
  14. I love to drink alcoholic beverages, I see different recipes on social media so I try them out. The best one yet is root beer, spiced rum and vanilla creamer….OMG delicious.
  15. I am a lot of fun to be around and I have a great personality, I love myself.

I am sure as we continue to stay isolated, stay socially distanced while the doctors and scientists are trying to fight off Covid, I will be seeing more that I love about myself. Ron says that he is seeing me glowing more and more as this year is coming to an end, I say it’s due to seeing myself in a healthier, happier light now. When we live true to ourselves and allow ourselves to be happy then we can glow from the inside out.

What has 2020 done for you in a positive way?

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