A lot can be said about purging one’s soul, mind and spirit, especially lately for me. This year took it’s toll on me, especially when there is not a lot you can do, at least not here in the US, while Covid is hitting us hard. I have been facing every dark demon that was buried deep down inside. I have always said that I am putting to rest the demons and letting them die, the problem is that I may think I put them to rest and I want to believe I killed them off, however they were left to rot inside of me. I basically had rotting corpses of the past sitting inside of me, poisoning my soul, mind, body and spirit. I have been waking those fucking demons up out of the deep slumber, ripping off the “band-aids” and making myself face and deal with these nasty, rotting things. Each month I find myself facing yet another demon, it’s not the facing that is the hardest, it’s the admitting that you have this sitting inside of you rotting away in your being. Once you admit it, it’s a massive purging that your entire feels, it’s like having a really good shit, I can’t put it any other way. When you take a good shit, you are getting rid of toxins in your body, so there is that.
After my meltdown, I am not going to call it a mini meltdown as that just diminishes what I went through, that is not fair to myself or to my feelings. I had a meltdown, so bad that afterwards I needed to go for a walk alone to clear my head. I wrote my heart out, then I blew up on Ron and the pups, then put my shoes on, looked at Ron and said “I need to take a walk alone, I am too pissed off to think straight and I don’t want to fight.” So out the door I went. I walked a little bit alone, as I was coming back from my mind clearing session I saw a coyote running towards me. We both stopped and looked at each other, then went about our own ways, I actually got excited and felt a sense of calm now. Ron and I took the girls for a walk in the local park which is in the desert, all was good until Kona decided that she didn’t want a drink out of the water bottle we had, it turned into a wrestling match between her and Ron. Ron lost the battle when she made me fall backwards, he got hurt and he let her leash go so she was headed into the desert, where I went over here screaming “Kona get back here!!” She stopped dead in her tracks for me, we got everything back under control and finished our walk. We came home to relax on the couch with the girls, watched some Hallmark movies and then off to bed.
This morning we woke up to realize we never got milk or half N half while we were out, so we ran to the store for that. When we came back our coffee was waiting for us as it brewed while we were gone, the wonderful aroma of fresh brewed coffee hit us when we opened the back door. I grabbed my coffee to sit outside with the girls after they ate breakfast. As I was sitting out here enjoying the morning air, birds filled my yard as we have a feeder hanging, then the hummingbirds came, it was peaceful, it still is. Sitting here I am feeling much better, feeling cleaner than I was at the beginning of the year. I see memories on Facebook that haunt my page, memories that show me what it was the hurt me so deeply throughout the years, do I delete the memories and pretend like they didn’t happen or do I look at them, mourn the loss and heal now?
I find that too many people want others to just get over it and move on, I truly believe it’s because they either do not understand and do not want to understand or they just can’t handle what others are going through or they lack the compassion and empathy that is needed. Those people are the ones I feel the most sorry for, as they may never understand how much pain others endure and they lack the compassion and that makes them more miserable than the person who is in pain or suffering.
Now that I purged so much this year, I know that the new year will bring something good or at least I hope so.