I am finally admitting that I am so filled with pure unadulterated rage this rage. I am very bitter and pissed off most days. I try not to let others see, know, hear, read or feel it. No, I don’t need a fucking therapist who will put me on drugs. I went to 7 therapists in NY tired lexapro, Zoloft and whatever else they wanted me on, nothing worked. One therapist told me to “Get the fuck our of my office, you are more put together than most people. You survived so much and it’s a shock you are not on drugs, an alcoholic or worse, if all you do is witchcraft then so be it.”
I need to be allowed to be who I am without the fear of judgment of others, without the opinions of others. I have changed so much of who I am that I don’t fucking know myself anymore, just so I could be liked, loved, accepted, appreciated and wanted by people who are no longer in my life who abused me so many times. I believed they loved me. Guess what, all those fucking assholes who I changed for are not in my life anymore and I was left with pure destruction of my self esteem, confidence and more. I lost good people in the process by pushing them out when they really did love me, I put up strong thick walls to protect myself.
Am I playing victim? FUCK NO!
I am stating facts!
I was a people pleaser since I was a very small child. I am just one example of what being told you are unwanted, unloved, worthless. I was told that my mother tried to abort me that is why I was a preemie. I was told I ruined hers and my father’s lives. I was Rosemary’s baby (that is her name), she loved to say I was filled with Satan and it showed in my face and eyes since I was 5 years old and could understand. She even had me watch Rosemary’s Baby so I would know what she meant.
Holidays sucked in our home what with the hatred, anger, rage, abuse, fighting, drunkenness, pill addiction and parents walking out on each other, never knowing which end was up.
When I got sick with sepsis not one of my biological family came to be with me, they didn’t care. My step daughter who lives in Tucson didn’t even bother to be there for her dad. Our pastor of our church said I was dying due to my lack of faith. I invited a woman I thought of as my aunt since I was born into my home and she did her best to destroy Christmas on me in 2017. Then the three women who I thought of as my sisters, who I knew since I was 18 walked out of my life in 2018m because I had a personal and private over the phone rant about our former upstairs neighbor and said shit I shouldn’t have said I guess to the one, who took it to the other two, causing us to not speak.
This made me carry more rage and bitterness.
Now I am a fucking, uptight, extremely professional, extreme perfectionist, stressed out, bitter, rage filled cunt and I don’t like myself, in fact I hate myself so much that I hate living!
There it is!
My biggest demon that I am facing.
I am sure people will delete me now or walk out on me, it’s okay it shows me who is not here in my darkest moment.
I could use a few great friends and family right now.