It’s raining finally in Tucson, we need the rain. I have been looking forward to the rain, ever since I heard it was in the forecast this past Monday. The rain is cleansing, it’s great to sit and listen to while I attempt to write. I keep getting distracted and this is now my 4th day trying to write. As the rain washes away the toxicity from the atmosphere and the filth in the air, it’s cleansing my soul and spirit much like tears do, when we allow ourselves to feel and cry. I have been crying a lot lately, I mean bawling, I am allowing the tears to flow, and allowing them to cleanse me. I found myself doing a lot of purging mentally and emotionally, not by choice. I truly believe that the Universe decided to stop everyone, Covid came to slow us all down. I really believe that Universe and Mother Nature had a special plan, and it’s not over yet, not even close. I believe that all of humankind, needed to stop, slow down, purge, cleanse, heal and either restore or start over. We need to look at what is going on, take stock of what we have in our own lives, who we have and make the right choices for ourselves and our loved ones. I believe that everyone needs to stop the hatred of another, stop the fighting, the drama, the stress, the ignorance, the ugliness and start to come together as a whole, sharing love, patience, tolerance, laughter, generosity, compassion and happiness with each other. You can disagree with me, this is truly what I feel and believe.
Restore or start over!!
This post was started Tuesday, December 8, 2020, I started it and never finished it.
The purge of fear!!
I have been wanting to write for a few days, yet haven’t done so.
What holds me back from writing?
FEAR!!! One of my deepest internal demons that I have yet to conquer, well maybe today is the day to conquer it and just write.
Fear of what you ask?
Fear of judgement, fear of people attacking me, fear of being ridiculed, all of which had happened when I had prior blogs. There were people who liked to follow me around the internet, watching and waiting for the “right time” to attack or start their onslaught of bullshit, like leaving anonymous comments.
I have spent 13 years trying to have a blog of my own, where I could have where I can share my thoughts, no matter if they are good or bad or indifferent. I have had countless blog names and user names online, always changing, always trying to find the “perfect fit” for me. Just when I thought that I had the “perfect fit”, there would be someone who thought they knew me better than I know myself, they would come to read and then go elsewhere only to spew their thoughts and toxicity. It was a small handful of people who did this, people who are not in my life, so why should I care anyway right?
Why should I allow what these futile few did to me continue to control me and my fears?
Why do I allow myself to continue to care what they say or think of me?
At one time, it mattered greatly to me what they thought, you see I lived my life trying to be the person that they wanted me to be. I tried so hard to fit into the suffocating, toxic molds that they wanted me to fit in. I sat in the dark prisons with them, until one day I broke free, I escaped. I know today, that I must let this crippling fear that has caused me to change my blog names and user names so many times. Those that were once in my life can no longer hurt me so long as I stay away from them. I cannot allow them back into my life as they can not and will not accept me for who I am really am.
Today I am attempting to write, as I said I get distracted so this may all seem random. I am even re-reading what I originally wrote, correcting myself. If my grammar is not the greatest give me a break!! I am not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect anymore.
Ron was home last week due to having the Covid scare and he had time off for Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, we had a friend come over to our house, who was exposed to it at his job. Over dinner he told us he was exposed by a co-worker, and he didn’t getting tested, mind you he could be a carrier. Ron had the scare at his job. He decided to get tested, to be on the safe side. Being a septic shock survivor which took a lot out of my immune system, we have to be careful, we don’t know what would happen to me if I got it. Thankfully, the test came back negative, so Ron is back to work.
This week, I have been dealing with my lower back being thrown out, we both panicked thinking it was a kidney stone or kidney infection, which it is not. I woke up Monday morning around 2 a.m., to feel this excruciating pain, to the point that I couldn’t walk, sit, stand, walk, lay down or find a comfortable position at all. Ron ran to get me BackAid Max, I refuse to go to the hospital. I am not going to the emergency room right, they have enough going on and I don’t want to risk catching anything.
On Monday, I did my best to lay in bed, feet up, pillows behind my back, pain meds, sleep the best that I could and rested my back, however I was miserable. I will say that even my kidney stone did not hurt that bad. I was bawling like a baby over the pain, anyone who knows me, knows I have a high pain threshold and if I am crying that bad, it’s bad. On Tuesday, I got up, my back still hurt, yet I made the bed, did three loads of laundry, then worked my 8-hr shift at work with a heating pad behind my back with my pain stuff. On Wednesday, the spasms were trying to happen, yet I kept going, after getting my morning stuff done, you know clean up dog poop from the area where the girls go, shower, do my hair, dishes, some laundry, gardening, I decided to sit down to write again, I didn’t get far.
Today, well with the rain, my back is trying to spasm again, I am not going to let that happen. I have way too much to get done at work. I will have my heating pad, take Backaid Max to get through the day as I have been doing all week. I am one hell of a strong woman, I need to say that!
I am sitting on the couch, listening to the Davis Monthan Air Force Base firing up the planes, the traffic in the distance, the birds outside, the rain coming down, Christmas music playing and Kona snoring next to me. I had the heat turned off with the front door open to let the cool fresh air in, I started to get cold, so the heat went back on so I can write comfortably. I keep getting distracted, must have more coffee, maybe that will help me, I am having serious squirrel moments.
I know I am struggling because when I write, I want to be honest. This was so much easier, when I was pissed off, filled with pure rage, needed to vent and always seems to have something to bitch about. In fact, that is the circle of friends online and offline I spent time with. There was always someone who would rant, rave, bit and complain more than me, being an empath I fed off of them. Anymore, I really don’t have much to bitch or complain about, since I am being honest. I am a pretty boring person to be honest.
My life consists of waking up, taking a shower, making the bed, doing any housework that needs to be done before I work. I usually go outside to sit in the patio when it’s not raining with my morning coffee, while the girls are playing or doing their business. I come inside, walk into my office to go to work. After work it’s a hot shower or bath, depending on the time of the month, then off to bed. I do this every day. This year in particular my life is not exciting or much fun to be honest.
I will admit that I was feeling sorry for myself throughout the year, what with being stuck at home, not able to enjoy much since Covid started. I allowed my mind and my feelings to take over my entire being. I allowed myself to feel and to think, perhaps more than I am willing to admit.
This year has a full blown year of some serious, really rough, mind, body, soul and spirit deep cleansing, I had to come face to face with not just some of deep inner demons, I had to face them all, even if the ones I wanted to keep buried deep inside. Everything surfaced, boiled over like lava from a volcano. I was whiny, needy, stressed, depressed, now I realize that this was what I needed. The Universe needed me to stop to give me a good old fashioned purge and cleansing, so I can finally heal and live fully. I found myself cleaning out a lot of inner toxicity, I didn’t realize how much I had bottled up. There was so much pent up rage, anger, bitterness and demons. This year cause a lot of imploding and exploding for me, pretty much I was a nuclear hot mess inside. I cannot tell you how many tears I shed, I know I bawled more this year than any year in my life. I thought I was going crazy. I begged Ron to take me to a mental institution. I became a raging lunatic, I am going to just say it, I was a royal fucking cunt!!! I screamed a lot. I shut myself down to be silent. I even went completely numb inside, as I disconnected from my loved ones. I slept a lot. I worked as I am a workaholic and it’s my escape
One day last week, I burst out laughing like I haven’t laughed in a very long time, it felt so good to laugh. We were watching Christmas movies, in fact it was Elf that made me laugh out loud. I cried watching it too, along with other movies, the messages that were being presented I heard loud and clear.
The Universe showed me that over the course of the last 10 years: I lost sight of all the good in my life. I gave up on myself, I allowed the words and actions of others to give up on myself. I allowed Septic Shock to take me down and I sat in the muck of that mess, never seeing how strong I am. I lost my love of the holidays, yes me!! I hated the holidays, dreaded them coming. I started to say “Ba Humbug!” I even said I was the female Grinch. My amazing hubby, Ronnie, he has put up with my bitchiness and attitude, while most walked away cause they couldn’t handle it, he stayed and put up with me.
I found myself in a horrible and toxic, mental prison where I kept myself in. I believe the Universe wants me to break free, stop being so afraid of what others would say or do. I believe the Universe wants me to let down my guard, let down the walls and wisely allow others in.
If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I cannot be in control of what goes on in the world. I can only control myself and how I choose to react to anything.
It’s been a rough year.
This final month of 2020 has caused me to pause, once again, as 2020 comes to an end, I am looking at my life. I am a very rich woman to be honest.
I may not have a ton of money, I pay our bills and I am ableto get extra stuff that I want in our home.
Ronnie is a loving husband, he does adore me. He puts up with me, even when I am a complete and utter bitch.
I have three beautiful fur babies, who love me unconditionally.
I have a few friends that I know I can count on, although they are not here in Tucson. I also know in order to have friends here I cannot just sit and wait for it to happen. When we are able to be out and about again, I will make the effort to make friends.
I have a job, that I do love.
To be honest I do live comfortably.
I have a nice little house to live in. Our landlord and landlady love having us here, they don’t want to get rid of us. We have quiet neighbors and it’s a peaceful here.
I had to take inventory of my life. to see that there is so much that I do have.
I believe that the Universe wants me to stop pining over people who cannot be a part of my life. I can admit that it is ME, I don’t want them in my life anymore. Yes, it’s also them, as they cannot fit in to my life. I used to believe that I needed to fit in with them. I don’t need to fit in anyone, instead others need to fit in my life, my lifestyle, my world, my heart and my mind, not the other way around. I wasted so many years trying to fit in. I have wasted so many years yearning to be loved unconditionally, wanted, respected, appreciated by all the wrong people who do have the capacity to give me those things.
WOW! This just came to me as I am writing.
Now as I sit here I am thinking about why I want to write, what I want to write about.
What do I want to share now that I am no longer bitter, pissed off or full of rage.
What is my reason to blog now?
Do I want to share my life with everyone?
Do I want to share anything with everyone?
All I can say is I am no longer angry, bitter or full of rage, I no longer need to put that kind of negativity out there. I am a much different person now.
What do I share with my readers now?