I spent most of my day laying on the couch watching TV. My head has stopped pounding, after buying new pillows off of Amazon. Yesterday we had a little bit of excitement around here, we have stray cats that run around here. We have a cat hoarder for a neighbor and well, her cats are outside, one or more of the females mated and now we have black cats running around here like crazy. My girls, Chloe a 75 lb. red heeler/husky mix and Kona a 60 lb. pit bull/mastiff mix went crazy seeing the cats outside in the courtyard like they normally do. Ron was home and he went to chase the cats away, apparently the front security door was not latched fully, the girls got out and began to chase the cats. Scared to death that the girls would not stop, I froze in my spot screaming their names. Ron yelled at them to come home after Kona ran a cat up a tree and Chloe ran around said tree. They both stopped dead in their tracks , especially Kona and ran inside to me, where I grabbed each one holding them so tightly.My biggest fear of them getting out and running away took over my entire being, our dogs are my life, I raised each one from a pup, of course we had to get large dogs that are runners, herding and hunting dogs.
Now I have to admit to myself that I fear loss, losing people, money, my job, my home, my sanity, my memories, my life, our fur babies and yes material things. I have lost so much during my 50 years on this earth, loved ones, my children, my childhood, my innocence as a child, my sanity, my self worth, my self esteem, jobs, finances, material possessions that I held dear, pets and so much more that I don’t want to lose anymore. I almost lost my life a few times, in fact I did die a few times as well. The biggest things that I have lost are not things and those are what I need back in my life.
I began filling my home with material possessions again, I finally have a baker’s rack, a corner curio cabinet, a nice desk, a new office chair, an altar I made myself, new curtains for the windows, new dishes for the kitchen, an air fryer, coffee maker, pots & pans, baking pans, popcorn air popper and so much more…I am slowly building my home to where I want it and it’s time so much time to do this. I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted my home to be. I kept doing things as others would want me to do it, never really putting myself into my home. I had a fear of losing this house, a fear that my landlord and landlady would one day decide they don’t want us here and we would have to move. I have been releasing this fear, it’s a big one for me to release as I don’t want to invite that in my life. I am sure they are going to let us stay as long as we want to stay here. We pay our rent early every month, we keep the house clean, we make improvements, we are quiet and don’t bother our neighbors.
I am always on my toes with my job, always nervous that one day I will walk into the office and my work computer will be locked down. Why is this? Because I have heard of it happening to others, I put my heart and soul into my position that I am in, as it was just said to me by my former team lead, now best friend and sister of my heart Leah that as long as she has known me, I put 100% of myself into everything I do. I love what I do, I love my company I work for, I can’t imagine ever working anywhere else. I am where I want to be so I should be happy right? I shouldn’t be worried or stressed right? Yet, I am, I don’t want to lose my job ever.
Fear of losing others, well, look at my past relationships, look at how much of a turmoil and heartbreak a lot of my relationships have been. Some I will admit were my fault, some were not the case. I was, well maybe I still am a warm hearted woman who trusts too deeply and cares too much at times. I used to have my walls down and let others in, then as time went on, due to the betrayal of those that I trusted the most, the walls got built up around myself and my soul, I stopped letting people in. The people who were in, got pushed out and were kept at a good length away, not even arm’s length as that was too close for me. If you got close to me, I would find a way for you to leave or I would leave, then cry about it later. My trust issues are deep, I always waiting for the other shoe to drop in relationships and when they do, I sulk, I get bitter inside, I mourn and then I shut down to everyone. “It’s better to be alone than to be hurt anymore.” is how I have been living my life for a couple of years now. I stopped reaching out to others, stopped reading other people’s Facebook posts, shut myself down, this has caused my deep loneliness and it makes me ask this one question: “How does one get out of this darkness?”. How do I trust again? How do I let the walls down and let others in?
Sometimes I feel like Scrooge, bitter, angry, shutting the world out, then being pissed off because the world is closed off from me, wanting to blame everyone else and not look at myself as I am part of the problem. I am jealous of Scrooge because he saw the light, yes it was with the forceful help of the three ghosts he dealt with, still I want that awakening deep inside of me that makes me more appreciative of life of what I already have, and of the people I have in my life. I know it’s fiction but you cannot tell me that there are not people out there in the world, who didn’t have this awakening of themselves after facing so much darkness in life.
When will I wake up feeling happy and excited to be alive? Is my day coming? What holds me back from having this? Is the fear that it will be taken from me again? Is the fear that those toxic ones, who plagued my life for so long, who are “leaving me alone” now, will come back like moths attracted to the light to steal my light and life from me again?
I want to release the fear, I need to release the fear that I hold onto so tightly like a security blanket. I am tired, depleted and drained from fear, it’s exhausting to be so afraid of everything. It’s taken my life from me, it’s taken the childlike wonder from me, it’s stolen my joy, my happiness, my excitement to be alive, my hope, my passion and it’s made me jaded, resentful, filled with an uncontrollable rage and very bitter. I have turned into the very person I hate being, the very person I never wanted to be. I look into the mirror and I see my maternal grandmother at times looking at me, I see my biological mother looking at me, both women all of the above things I mentioned that I vowed I would never be.
How do I release this antagonizing fear and allow the person who had no fear, who was out spoken, fun, adventurous, courageous and strong out?
This year is coming to a close and so much has been purged inside of me. It’s all come to the surface and I have allowing it to be stripped from me, I have allowed it to boil over and get out, is the what’s left now. The final ending to it all?
Will I be able to be free of it all after this year, so I can go into a new year with a healthier mindset?