Day 2 of staycation…..Ronnie and I were talking as we were looking at photos that I have on iCloud from before 2009 to now and he finally noticed that we both have lost our glow and our shine that we both had. We always had a love of life, some would say it was unhealthy. We both saw life through the eyes of a child full of wonder and excitement, always up for adventure. I told him that I need to clean out some of these photos because well, I have triplicates of them and need to get them organized as they are a hot mess. I need organization in my life, I am a control freak and I have OCD, chaos makes me crazy. This is something that I am supposed to get rid of this year apparently, from all the Facebook posts that suddenly pop up on my newsfeed and the messages from the movies I watch. I watched on the Hallmark Movie app about a control freak executive running for a political office and losing because she was too uptight and rigid, not approachable. it resonated with me at a whole new level, one that was extremely uncomfortable for me. I have done my best at being perfect my entire life, it’s fucking exhausting to be perfect, I want to be imperfect.
Our goal is to get healthier mentally and emotionally together with our lifestyle, shine out, and get rid of the depression that we both have been carrying around with us both.We moved some things around in the house to bring in more light into certain rooms such as the office which is really dark. The cat tree is now in the living room with us, so Moca can hang out with us.I am going to go to the store to get what I need for our Thanksgiving and try to find dark chocolate hair color, it’s what is closest to my natural color then I am going to grow my hair out for a while. We need to figure out where our Christmas tree is going to be sitting, I can’t figure it out. I don’t have a vision of it. If I could I would get rid of most of the ornaments I have and start over fresh and clean. This sucks that this year, as hard as I tried I am fighting to find that Christmas spirit that I used to have, when did I lose my spirit, oh that is right in 2009 right after Samantha came to live with us.
I started to get it back in 2017, then 2018 hit and I had to bring a toxic person from my past into my home who was dead set on ruining Christmas for me, she even laughed about how she was the drugged up, drunken aunt who destroyed Christmas for me. My Christmas spirit and how I was that person who deep inside saw the world with hope, I always saw the good in everyone and everything, I always saw the bright side of everything and the light in the darkness, in fact it’s really something I have been thinking heavily about. It hit me hard watching yet another movie on TV, Noelle on Disney+. There were things said about Christmas being a part of you, Christmas being in your heart and spirit and never letting it go. I was a much happier person before I allowed the toxicity and poison of others infiltrate my entire being right down to my core. I used to love Christmas and get so excited by it. I even watched Christmas movies and listened to music early in July of every year, it was a part of me. I loved all the holidays, all of them, even the non major ones like Valentine’s Day and Groundhog’s Day. For me it was the excitement and celebration of the day, it was the energy that surrounded the day that I understood. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I want to wake up like I used to do and be excited to be alive. I want to believe that there is good in everything and everyone. I want to see past the dark and see the light. I want to be the light and bring light to others.
How do I get that back into myself? Did it really ever leave? Did I just add to the mess that is repressed and oppressed inside of me? How do I allow myself to be excited again and feel like a kid again? How do I see the world with a childlike wonder again? How do I see through the rose colored glasses that I so enjoyed seeing through? How do I get my positive back in a world of negatives? How do I find happiness, joy and sheer excitement in a world that wants to be so negative and filled with hatred?
There has to be a way to get to be the person that I know I am deep inside, the happy person who brightened up other people’s day. I need to be that person for me, not for others for me, I was so much happier until others decided it was time to douce my inner flame with their poisons.
Will I ever shine bright again?
Will I ever see this woman again?