Day1 of my staycation..sat outside in the garden while waiting for coffee to brew and took a deep breath. This my first day that I can think and allow myself to feel. I haven’t been doing this as I have been pushing it all down and locking myself up for years. I cover it all up by working and now allowing myself to have emotions or feelings of any kinds. So then, I do end of cracking, I cry at the drop of hat, which pissses me off more than anything else does. Why am I so fucking emotional? Why can’t I talk about Christmas coming or Thanskgiving or sing a fucking song without breaking down? What the fuck?? It’s called repression my darlings, I have repressed and oppressed myself since I was a child. If I did have an emotional outburst I was being over dramatic or seeking attention, so I would stop and bottle it up. Eventually after years of bottling things up you explode or implode or both, I can understand why people get crazy, end up on drugs, end up as alcoholics, end up dare I say it snapping and killing themselves and/or others, people are taught early on that they are not allowed to express themselves. If you cry you are weak, if you yell or speak your truth you are a bully, if you laugh a lot or are happy you are too much for people, the list goes on.
The older generations and society have made it impossible for us to be normal, to be individuals, to be free to be who we are, to be express ourselves in our truest form. If you do express yourself, please be sure to use proper grammar too and watch your tone is what we are taught. Don’t curse, don’t put all your emotions out there. Don’t be you, be them, make them happy and comfortable even if that means you are unhappy and uncomfortable. I lived by these rules for years. I can tell you what years to be exact that I didn’t live by those rules and I was happier for it. From 1988-1992, 2002-2009 so that is only 11 years of my 50 year existence on this earth. That is sad, so sad. If you do the math, I spent 39 years of my life wasting away, not in margaritaville, wasting away other people’s wastelands of thoughts and opinions inflicted on me.
This year 2020 has been a fucking horrible beast of a year for so many people. I can remember when New Year’s Eve came I was excited about the roaring 20s and how awesome this would be. Then Covid hit, life changed for so many people. Some people believe that my life didn’t change or was not affected by it, because I work from home and have been doing so since 2015. What they didn’t understand and properly still do not understand is that my life did change too, I don’t know if it’s for the better or not. I am not able to get out and do the things that I had planned this year, street fairs, the Pima County Fair, going out to eat, Arizona-Sonoran Desert Museum, Reid Park Zoo, joining a gym, going to the mountain to hike, and so much more. My life took a halt just like everyone else’s did, mine has been a huge issue for me. Yes, I work from home, my only way to get out was to go places, enjoy the sites, get out of the house.
I am sure you are all asking “Why can’t she go hiking?”, because our mountain was burned up by a massive wildfire this year, the hiking areas are now the burn zones and you cannot enter those at all. I did go up once since the first and I cried the entire time we were there, it was horrific to see the mountain blackened by the fire, the only thing that gives me hope is that the mountain hopefully will heal itself and come back better than before. This year has a been a dry year for Tucson, we haven’t had much rain and it was hotter than Hades here, we just now today are cooling off and still not rain or moisture in sight, they say we are in for a dry winter as well. Please Universe send us some kind of different weather some rain, some snow, something other than sunshine and warmth.
More as the days go on….I am off until Black Friday…November 27th…even after that I hope to be back to writing more.