13-Year Identity Crisis Begone

For so many years I have fought against using labels to define me, who I am, what I believe, and what I stand for. I have fought against using my birth name of Rachel Ro (no hyphen), I have fought to be known as Rae for 13 long years. I am finally saying it while I take the bold move out of the darkness into the light where I belong. When I took on the nickname of Rae as my chosen name for myself, I didn’t think or realize the persona that I was taking on. Please understand where I am coming from, I felt Rae was a powerful way to be, Rae was showing the world that I am invincible and strong, nothing can shake me that I can and will achieve everything. Rachel was a weak little girl who was molested, abused and broken in my mind, somehow all this has changed over the last 10 months of 2020. As I have had time to really reflect, I see the person that I have fought to be, “Rae” is the weak one, I realized that once I started using that nickname, it forced me me to be a woman who was always defensive, offensive and scared to be who I really am. I lost my childlike wonder of the world, I became jaded, fierce, feisty, arrogant, obnoxious, demanding, rude, filled with rage, so bitter, lonely, depressed and just an all around toxic person. I lacked luster, I lost my love of life, I became so unhappy that I lost sight of how life really is.

WOW! That is a reality that hit me this morning and it’s an extremely painful, hard, jagged pill to swallow.

This morning as I sit with my windows open, listening to the birds singing, hearing my neighbors waken up from their slumber and sip my coffee, I hear a voice speak to me saying to me “It’s okay, Rachel it’s time to be yourself. It’s okay to stop being Rae and love yourself again. It’s okay to be happy again.”

I am sitting here with Kona next to me, with tears in my eyes because I know it’s time as we come up on the Witch’s New Year. It’s time to let go and release this person that I adopted in 2007 and carried with me with 13 long years. After 13 long years, now that I am 50 years old, I am releasing the need to be Rae, the fierce one, the fighter, the tough cookie, so that I can be Rachel again. I want to be the soft, gentle, kind, brave, courageous, adventurous woman/lady that I was before I moved to Arizona and felt that need to be different. I am and always will be a Jersey Girl no matter where I live, I will always have a child like wonder in my eyes instead of emptiness and pain. I am living my life now with the excitement and joy of knowing that I can be alive. this is who I was before I felt a need to be someone else. Before I felt that I needed to prove myself to anyone.

My identity crisis of 13 years is over, it’s dead, it’s past, I know who I am truly. I am putting to rest the need to be someone different than who I am to be accepted by others. I carried that burden too long. I am putting my correct name on everything online and I will be going into work to have my name put as Rachel as well as asking others to use my proper name moving forward.

This is my release and I need to make it for me. I release myself from the bondage, from the chains and from the restraints that I have been in for so many years. I release myself from the weight that I have carried for many years, trying to prove myself to the world. I release myself from fear. I release myself from the emptiness and loneliness that I allowed myself to be consumed with. I release myself from believing that I am less than anyone else and do not deserve to be happy. I release myself from the “white trash” mentality that others tried to force on me.

I can breathe freely. I can laugh. I can smile. I can feel lighter.

I am a stronger woman now. I am fierce and gentle at the same time, it’s a balance. I am kind. I have a big heart. I am compassionate and passionate. I am living my life to the fullest with my child like wonder. I am a successful woman. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have beautiful things. I deserve to take care of myself. I am allowed to sing my own praises and lift myself up.

This is my proclamation for today and moving forward in life.

The witch has arrived.

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