No More Silence or Bondage

I silenced myself to make you happy. I stopped using my voice to speak out my truth through the use of words. I stopped using my fingers to write out my truth through the use of words. I became as you wanted me to hush and remain silent. I sat in my own darkness, embraced my demons, and cleaned out my skeletons that were deep inside of me silently, so as to not offend or upset you. I stopped living out loud as I was doing to make sure you were kept happy, as my life seemed to offend your sensitive nature. I transformed into an introvert after years of being an extrovert to make you more comfortable. All the while I died inside, I became an empty of shell of my former self. I became hopeless. I became what you wanted me to be. I became like you.

It took a pandemic, a shut down of life as we knew it for me to start to wake up, to start to usher the demons out. It took this time for me to look into the mirror and see the woman I have become, the woman I never wanted to be. I saw the kind of woman I have always despised, the kind of woman that I was never meant to be. I became all the women who were jealous of who I used to be, all the women who wanted to stifle me, to silence me, to make me be who they were. I saw a woman I did not recognize staring back at me through dead eyes, I saw into her soul to see emptiness, loneliness, pain and rage, all the things that I never wanted to see. I saw a woman controlled by the few that wanted to control her and keep her down. I saw a woman who needed to break free, to be free again, to be herself, to be extroverted, not closed off, not closed minded, not fearful. I saw a woman that other women forced her to be because that is what they are and they could not handle the fiery spirit of the woman who once came into their lives. They doused the fire from within with words, with condemnation, and with judgments.

The awakening has started, it continued to grow within. The silence is broken, the fear is gone, the fire is ignited and burning strong. I have risen from the ashes of my past, risen from the pain. I am freeing myself from the shackles that others brutally forced me into. I am growing stronger, more fiery as each day goes by, more intense.

I will not shut up, I will not hush, I will not go silent anymore. I am no longer bound to anyone from my past. No longer bound to those who could not handle my fiery existence, who could not handle my child like wonder in my eyes, who could not handle the shine and glow that came off of me. I am not bitter, enraged, depressed, bi-polar, struggling, empty or lonely, I am rich in more ways that they who tried to keep me down know or acknowledge. I will continue to shine out and glow brighter than before. I will use my voice to speak words out, I will use my fingers to type words out, I will live my life out loud and proud of who I am.

There is no more fear, no more bondage, no more silence.

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