Talking to my dear friend/sister Leah, I realized a few things, well a lot of things. This started as a text message conversation between us two ladies, it was going to be a Facebook status, now it’s a blog post. I blame you LEAH!!! LOL! Today you are my muse of inspiration.
I feel like the events of this year (2020), came to each of us for a particular reason. I feel as though the Universe gave everyone a message, whether or not you got the message or paid attention well that is on you. For me, I feel that my message that I have been told for the last 4 years has been to slow me down, lighten up, loosen up, have fun, don’t stress. The Universe intended for me to see myself in a real way, to face my demons, face my darkness, and finally to wake me up. The Universe intended for me to have childlike wonder again, instead of feeling jaded. The Universe needed me to remove the bitter, trust me there was a battle going on with me in that regard. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to become hard hearted, bitter, resentful, filled with pure rage and angry, why you ask? Because I didn’t want people to see my vulnerabilities anymore, to use them against me to hurt me. I wanted to be a cold hearted bitch so I could feel no more pain.
The Universe had a different plan for me. I felt the emotions, the pain, the rage, oh that rage….I would punch walls, scream, go for walks, scream more, punch the air, scream FUCK YOU out loud, then go on a bawling session that felt like would never end. The only person who saw this side of me was Ron, my beloved Ron. He stuck by me and allowed me to get this out, he knew that I held onto over 40+ years of pent up anger, frustration, pain and it needed to be released. This was the year of serious release for me.
I released the anger, the bitterness, the grudges and the resentment I had felt towards my ex-husband for taking my children from me. I released the yearning for love I was not receiving from my parents, my true biological or anyone in my biological family. I released the yearning to have people in my life who I found out over the years never really were my friends or cared for me. I released the need to prove myself to the world.
This year slowed me down, I am not sad by it, I dealt with a lot of demons, and I faced my own personal darkness.
For years, since I was a little girl, when I first realized that I am a witch and I have such strong powers, I was afraid to come out of the broom closet to be honest enough to say: “YES I am a witch!” proudly. I was raised in a Catholic family, my grandfather was superstitious, I saw how much my maternal grandmother had to hide she was a witch and how it pained her to the point where she was bitter, angry, filled with rage at times, and could hold a grudge like no other. I was afraid of how others would react or what they would say next to put me down or worse yet change me. I was afraid of what other witches might say online, you know the witch bullies, the ones who decided to be a witch to piss off their religious family or thought it would be cool to be a witch after watching movies about witches, these are the worst witches of them all, they need to tell you how to be a witch or what you have to do, because they know it all after reading a few books or watching a couple of movies. I hid away who I am really am, that was until recently, when I heard my Gramma loud and clear tell me: “Embrace the witch my doll, embrace and let her out, show them what you are made of. My little witch!”
Do I read books on Witchcraft? Sure I do. I own Buckland Big Blue book I have had that book for years long before the internet was a big thing. I had a Book of Shadows long before it was the “cool thing” to do, thank you Charmed. I could talk to spirits as young as 2 years old, it scared the shit out of my family. I could tell you things before they happened, again scared the shit out of my family. They had to tamper it down, bottle it up, I scared my family as a child because I had a natural gift that they didn’t understand. I was always different than other children, I was always out in nature or reading books, writing in notebooks and I don’t mean silly stuff, I mean poetry, flowing words. I would draw detailed colorful pictures, I would sit and sketch pictures. I was always creative. I was born a witch and I carried what I learned in the privacy of my Gramma’s home when I was very young. She taught me herbs, how to cook, how brew up teas, how to bake, how to garden, how to cast spells and no one would know it was a spell.
In case you don’t know already, I have always been the early riser, the one who gets what she wants by going after it. I have always been a workaholic, taking overtime like a drug, yes I got high off of more money. Being a survivor of severe child abuse, you always feel that you need to prove yourself to the world and your parents. I thought that the money I made the higher status that I got in my employment would make them love me or want me at least. I thought I could get their appreciate, their respect, their acceptance of me. I never seemed to stop or slow down the hunger for more, somehow I felt the more money I had the more I could fill the hole inside of me where the unconditional acceptance and love of my family should have been. I refused to slow down, even after 2016, you would think having Septic Shock, being told I would die would have stopped me and made me realize what was important right? Well it didn’t. Why? Because my family did not come to my bedside as I laid in the hospital, they didn’t stand by me, holding my hand, hoping I live, they just kept going with their lives. When they did reach out over the phone it was a joke to them all, it was not serious. As my mother put it, she already wrote me off years ago, so my dying would not hurt her at all. My father laughed through it all and said: “Eh, you are strong you got this.” My sister said: “Well just keep me informed how she is doing.” It devastated me up until this year, when I came to the reality that no matter what I do, where I live or anything they are incapable of unconditional love or acceptance and I must live my best life without them.
What some do not know is that during my stay in the hospital, I demanded Ron bring my work computer to the hospital so I could work. I demanded that I be released from the “BED REST STAY AT HOME ORDER”, so I could work. I went back to work for a few months and got taken down again for another 6 months in 2017 -2018. I wanted to prove to everyone, my parents, my sister, my family, my daughters, my former friends, myself, Ron and everyone else, that I was not gonna be taken down by this, that I was stronger than that. I kept going.
Over the last few years, I was afraid of showing others what I look like as I am what others call overweight. I gained weight over the years. After seeing a few people post things about me and my weight issues, I became withdrawn and let myself fall into a pit of hell. I tried to diet so many times, I was miserable I didn’t enjoy going through ridding myself of foods. I was way to busy trying to make others happy about my weight, even though their opinions now do not matter. I hated to smile because my teeth are not perfect, they are not straight, not completely blaring white, so I was afraid to smile. I have a crooked smile due to an accident when I was younger where I ate a barbed wire fence, I know others see it in my pictures, so the pictures stopped, the selfies stopped.
I was afraid to wear makeup, do my hair, get my nails done, or dress nice because people always had something to say about my clothes, hair, nails, and makeup. So many people had opinions of what hair color and style I should have, what colors of makeup I should wear, what kind of clothes to wear, how to get my nails done. I had a pixie cut for so long, I carried that look for way too long. Did you know that in some cultures women cut their hair off when in mourning? I am no longer mourning.
This year made me get honest with myself and to rid myself of the baggage of the past, the chains of other people’s opinions, words, and actions. Once I did start to free myself from all that stuff, I started to come out of my shell more. I am emerging from the darkness to fly free and being who I am.
I have cleaned out the inner cobwebs, cleaned out the lingering dust and dirt, I even cleaned the windows so others can see the light that is within. Now I open the windows to let fresh air, sunlight, and others into my life. The walls are down, the dust is cleared, the filth is gone now.
Enter within my Cottage.
Enter within my heart.
Enter within my life.